Jessica (byathread) wrote,
Jessica
byathread

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silently a whisper turns into a scream

SO...im in one of those life appreciating moods again...i cant exacltly figure out how these manage to make me feel bad either...why should a person feel bad to be alive...

first a discalimer...this is not alcohol..ive had two drinks...one before dinner and one after so im not drunk..

but ive been wating to feel like this for such a long time..it feels like it gives my life more meaning...and for some reason i feel like an an idiot for feeling like this..i dont know...this is one of those ideas thats always in the back of my head but gets so clouded by my everyday responsibilities that i take it for granted. this is the main thing that kept me so happy last year..and its the main thing that keeps me going everyday ...at least i think..i mean i cant say for sure because im pretty content on where my life is right now....and so i try to think would i feel like this if my life wasnt going as planned....and i really think that i would...i have about a 3 person courseolad of homework due this week but i still feel like this..i work at a shitty job..drive a crappy car..but do i feel like this because im working towards something or because im graciaous be to alive.

honestly think for one second on how many people die a day who dont want to.... and for those of us who dont belive in an after life...does that give your life any more sense of meaning... does that make you appreciate anything more...

i personally think that when you die...you die.. and thats it... theres no heaven..no hell..no purgatory...no reincarnation...thats it..youve had your time...

and this is what makes me wake up every morning... sometimes its a challenege to be in a pleasant mood...but i just try to think that this is my life and this is what i do with it..

so why the hell do i feel so stupid right now for feeling like this
is it be because everyone else forgets this ...doesnt care to notice...or is too envolved in there on selfish world to take five seconds and realize what they have... id call it a gift but again...id feel stupid...

i keep trying to think of thousands of scenarios and how would i feel and i still would feel the same but its still like you can never really know unless youve experienced it

brian..whos been asleep for about 2 hours says that my classes are getting to my head too much...but i definatly recall feeling like this before...

i think i m really just sick of being wrapped up in my own world and would like a break and the fact that i know one is comming soon is making me think like this...on top of the fact that EVERY ONE around me is depressing and life always sucks...and come the fuck on and take one second to realize what you have to wake up to...even if its nothing but a shallow breathe its more then millions of people have

maybe im just in the wrong situation...which creates about a thousand more ideas spreading in my head...but really could i find anyone else who thinks likes this..

im gonna go do something better with my time at 430 am
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